2 days - Living with Cancer

Monday 15th November 2010

Referred to the Peter McCallum Cancer Institute Melbourne

Living with cancer

Swanston Street Melbourne

Enter the doctors surgery to the well oiled reception and wait in a room with bodies as frightened in anticipation as you are. Smell the fear and the ladies coming along with their men flicking the out of date magazines and newspapers trying not to look concerned.  Eyes do not meet.

Your name is called. You wish someone else would answer but the doctor is looking at you and your loved is just as reluctant to answer almost as if you are as one body.

Lost soul and dead apple

Enter the doctors surgery, explain all the finer points of your private life, the body functions, or lack of, the nights you have had no sleep, the bad spells. The pictures come out of the envelope. You watch as the doctor looks at the inner workings of your body on a light frame. The imperfections in the pictures.  The tell tale signs of cancer. Those grey areas. Damn! Why are they there? Small imperfections created in your body.  You cannot hide these imperfections. They are inside you, no amount of  exercise, diet or positive thought will cure.  You cannot talk out of this one. Bullshit is not on here. The doctor is Judge and Jury.  This person is a  life line to some sort of lifestyle and future. This is it and you have no say in at all.

Entrance, Peter McCallum Cancer Clinic

Wind back the clock as you sit in the chair discussing the options as your life slowly passes by in front of you. You try to shut out the fact that you may be being dramatic. It is not as bad as it all seems. You recollect the fishing trip, the giggle of your granddaughter, the smile of your wife and the encouragement from your daughters then the conversation comes to wild cells leakage from the area. The tumour becoming active again and then you are all attentive.
This is the news that you were not expecting. This is the news that was not wanted.  It has many large complicated words meaning it could be in your blood and it could end up anywhere creating hell to good cells.  So keep positive, keep calm, let us look at the options, another x-ray session with more radiation in the bones and radioactive injections, to assist a rod up the arse, radioactive of course, to make a finer picture of the tumour present in the prostate. Try to find the rogue cells and then Zap the Prostate. Poor little prostate only put there to propagate the species and now causing so much trouble for the male of the species. Me.

Arcade shopping Melbourne

Mate I think. “It is time to get some positive vibes here! So let us not dwell too long. What is the worst that can happen”? Wrong question for this time in the cycle? Correct!

“Malcy we have been in tough scraps before. Let’s front up and do whatever we have to do and if it beats us then so be it we gave it our best shot.”

We sit at the tram stop whipping tears from our eyes and feeling exhausted. Pam nudges me “Hey, look a pub. I need a scotch.  My shout”.

Come to the traffic lights and I go to cross. Pam screams “tram”. Nearly walk into a tram. That would be right. Cancer has nothing to do with it. The bloody tram will kill me. Where is the door to this pub? I mumble a lot. Suppose it is my right! Damn! Just when I was getting on with life to. Beer is good. Barmaid notices the big parcel of x-rays and photos. Does not comment until we are leaving and says, “We get a lot of you people in here. I bet I know what your problem is.” It occurred to me as we walked out the door I belonged to a club of people with no exclusive rights. The club is growing rapidly and no one is exempt. Don’t have to be nominated either.

I smiled, holding Pams’ hand. I know I have the best medical team and a family that cares and I have you as a friend. That makes me strong. I can smile.

 Tuesday 16th

Day after the consultation

Peter Mac Callum Cancer Clinic East Melbourne 8.00am

St Andrews Place Melbourne on the way to the appointment with the scan machine

Walk in the main entrance left to the lift upper ground floor

.

PET Scan

What is a PET scan? Keep calm. If I crack dumb, all will be revealed. I am sure that it is not one of those things that you buy at Dick Smiths. Yeah, I can hear you.  Why did you not ask the good Doctor yesterday?

Yep good question, the answer is “overwhelmed”. Ever been there?

Into the cubicle, birthdates 3 times, address twice and there I am. Then I find out that a PET scan is a hybrid between MRI, CT & Bone Scan.

St Andrews Place rock sculpts Treasury place

My little problem. The bones have huge shadows and no amount of conventional sensor x-rays have shed light (pun). It shows as shadow. It could be tumors or radiology splash, either way we need to establish the identity. If not, it could be a sure sign to paradise for this scribe. PSA is increasing and there is no visible reason for it. The good doctor is suspicious and looking for rogue cells. (Refer to the earlier writings).

Enter the cubicle and take off clothes, put on hospital gear. Take off all metal, rings, jewellery and watches. Put in basket, sit on the seat and wait. Orderly inserts the intra canal with the mixture of dye tracer and sugar solution. This is the difference in the MRI and the bone scan. The sugar invigorates the cancer and makes it visible to the camera. Rest and the orderly starts the video of your choice. My selection “Totally Blonde”, Man, I need inspiration. Stay perfectly still. If you move you can create the solution to enter the brain and that is not the purpose of the exercise. How can I not laugh at the zany blonde.

Lay on the table and wait. The machine looks at your body making lovable sounds like Deep Purple on a bad day. You cannot move a muscle as it will distort the picture. The process takes all of 90 minutes. Yep, there it is. No need to wear pyjamas, all is revealed.

I feel cold, invaded, devoid of feelings and sad that the body I have cherished, exercised, admired, is now very different. It is invaded by its own cells.

The doctor gives me the OK to go and we walk from the clinic into the Melbourne sunshine.

Time for coffee and breakfast. Time to ponder on my good fortune to be in an age and a place that can help me to prolong lifestyle.

OLD and NEW Victoria to IT

Tomorrow we return to our home in Southport Q with the knowledge that this is going to be a long fight.

Merry Christmas to you all Malcolm and Pam

But I can do it. I have the best team around me.

Melbourne 15-16 November 2010

A letter to a friend

I write this letter to you hoping that it will assist you sharing my experiences with cancer and the allied illnesses I have suffered and subsequent depression caused by happenings and things beyond my control. I have never written a letter to you. I rejoice in the fact that I may be able to assist others to overcome depression and feeling like a failure then my letter to you is from the heart. I am nervous about publishing my feelings.

My story starts at 10.15 am on the 13^th January 2006 I am laying in the recovery ward at St Andrews Hospital Spring Hill after a colonoscopy, the doctor arrives and tells me that I have a tumour in my rectal passage he asks me to find faith and assures me that he can give me a complete cure.

I felt helpless with my little cancer. Laying there my mind took me back to things, places to see, opportunities lost forever. I needed help I have a close caring family and a caring group of friends and friends appeared I did not know I had.

About December 2005 I was working with a team of 4 in our Real estate business a younger man had joined us and we were happy in the knowledge that the year ahead would be full of challenges and this was to prove correct. New years day 2006 we visited a friend I felt bad as I was having trouble passing solids and I saw blood in the bowl. That night was the first day of the rest of my life. Blood was flowing into the bowl from my anus. After consulting with our GP I was referred to specialist for a colonoscopy and there is where my story opened.

My family siblings are 4 girls and me a boy and the youngest. Pam and I have two beautiful girls 37 & 32 years old. The conversation has never been about bums and tits so to have a tumour up my passage was abhorrent to me. But there you go I got one. Rectal cancer is invasive it lives deep in your system it is very dangerous it can spread rapidly from the tumour to adjacent tissues with devastating effect. My treatment was shrink the tumour with radiation treatment. Then remove it with open surgery. Follow that up with 5 months of Chemotherapy. They say ignorance is bliss and so it is, I had no idea of the seriousness of my illness or the complications that I was to suffer.

Our oldest daughter decided to marry on the 18^th March 2006. The date was decided in December 2005. The treatment started in February the operation date was set for the 9^th March 2006. I personally did not want them to change the date for the wedding. It was surreal for us as a family with me sick in bed with more bags hanging off me “than a Brisbane bag man” and the family all-planning together for the wedding at Sunrise Beach. The feeling lingers that I let them all down with my silly cancer. I thought I should have been able to avoid it.

The operation was successful. I attended the wedding with the help of a close friend and the nurses of St Andrews I got a leave pass and It was enlightening when we left hospital all the nurses came out to cheer. Me I had a colostomy bag my bowels had just started to work. My stomach was bloated with wind I had been on a nil by mouth for the last 10 days. But Pam and I were to be together giving our daughter away there was lots of gaiety, champagne food and love by the bucket full. I went back to hospital after the ceremony.

In hospital I suffered pulmonary embolisms, a spell in ICU and a secondary staff infection, the last one I bought upon myself (a Hernia after working out in the gym too early and with the wrong exercises).

The bad news continued with Cyclone Larry wrecking our Mission Beach holiday units then the last of our sales staff quit. The bad news did not stop. We took a quick holiday to Laos in February 2007 I made a fundamental error with my trading business, leaving positions open. I did not take my broker codes with me. There was a violent correction in the markets. We got wiped out.

The after effects of the Chemotherapy were I could not concentrate, my energy levels were very low, my tolerance for others was woeful and I believed I had a legitimate cause and no one understood how I felt. I was tired irritable and had no patience. Anything that looked like a task was hard the simplest things took toll. I had tiredness and nothing I did excited me at all. I could not make decisions. I had depression and did not know it.

In hindsight.

• I did not give my body and soul time to heal after the trauma
• I did not take the time to readjust to my new life.
• The caring given to me by others I took for granted
• The pleasure of being alive I had forgotten to thank for it
• I had forgotten my loved ones hurt to see me in pain
• My loved ones wanted me to be happy and well. They wanted me back.
• I did not allow time to grieve for the things that were to be no more.

I thought I was invincible I was being irresponsible. I continued to work as if nothing had happened. That made me sick. Now I had depression and had to work out of it.

How does one do it without drugs?

My luck in the mid 80s I was diagnosed with depression Reason; I was running a catering business and there was no time for me or the family having insufficient time to rest. The GP referred me to a Psychiatrist who was sympathetic and understood my no drug policy.

His prescription read like this

• tryptophan tablets for sleeping,
• meditation twice daily for the soul
• lots of good exercise for the sugar
• stop stress related activities
• avoid people who do not give worth
• find a job congruent with my personae and do it well

The outcome of that. Learned to touch type, bush walk, took a ski holiday, spent time with my girls and became a Mr Mum finished off renovating a house. Took up glass etching, as the life I was leading was not congruent with my soul. I changed careers from caterer to real estate agent

That was then 1985 so now.

2008

I have a second cancer and to me that is a real boner. I was feeling good. This one hurts I realise the danger I am in.

Reason for depression right? Wrong!

The prescription given to me in the 80s worked.

We have sold our big house on the hill, sold all our land investments, closed our brokerage business, stopped derivative trading.

To lift depression I have concentrated on interest’s photography sharing photo books, calendars, movies and framing for pleasure. I am learning to draw and read again. We plan to journey. Take time for me to meditate. My guitar has come out of the wardrobe.

The last rule: Do not watch 6.00 news or current affairs programmes. Oh yeah and those kick out real time shows. Depression: It is not good to think negativity and death. Accept it yes but not be the victim

I’m Ok, putting this down for you helped me a lot. If you have got colorectal cancer and the cancer council gives you a video with a group of people talking about their experiences, yeah the guy talking at the end of the video is me.

I want you to

• ease yourself off the Prosac or whatever else you are taking
• take a walk every day somewhere interesting even if you have to travel
• go to the beach earth your body in the sea
• go to the RSPCA and get a dog, cat or bird, you will be giving a life hope
• get involved in community
• Stop talking to others about you and talk about them
• Learn to relax
• Keep it simple. Throw away the crutches you can walk real good.
• Get way from negative people that make you feel bad
  

You want to know how I am?

• I have aggressive prostate cancer
• My sex life is gone I am impotent
• My energy is not good
• I have a bad back
• I lost most of my business
• Our big house on the hill is gone.
• Our cat died

I decided that it was not going to stop me because.

“I live in Australia and I can do what I like”.

I have a loving healthy wife and vibrant family, friends welcome me to their homes, I can take photos, I can hear music, I can walk talk and think. My drawing is coming on and our business is virtual and growing again. Best of all we have been on a great train journey Singapore to London 2009. In March we leave on the ultimate road jurney. “Route 66”. We are about to become grandparents in May. We are moving to the Gold Coast to live in a Penthouse.

Yes it will be OK just you have complete faith in yourself and please get well we need you.

Your friend

Malcolm Williams

Image 1 Craig Lowndes and me

Image 2 Kellie, Richie wedding day

Image 3 Citt, Kellie, Me & Pam

Image 4 Richie, Pam, Kellie, Me & Pam.

Image 5 Citt and me on the Silk Road journey 2007

Image 6 My Frazer Island "tough fishing" buddies

Image 7 "I'm Alive and well and I feel great" in Paris.

Image 8 Just a bloody Ozzie trying to be a Kiwi. me.