A letter to a friend

I write this letter to you hoping that it will assist you sharing my experiences with cancer and the allied illnesses I have suffered and subsequent depression caused by happenings and things beyond my control. I have never written a letter to you. I rejoice in the fact that I may be able to assist others to overcome depression and feeling like a failure then my letter to you is from the heart. I am nervous about publishing my feelings.

My story starts at 10.15 am on the 13^th January 2006 I am laying in the recovery ward at St Andrews Hospital Spring Hill after a colonoscopy, the doctor arrives and tells me that I have a tumour in my rectal passage he asks me to find faith and assures me that he can give me a complete cure.

I felt helpless with my little cancer. Laying there my mind took me back to things, places to see, opportunities lost forever. I needed help I have a close caring family and a caring group of friends and friends appeared I did not know I had.

About December 2005 I was working with a team of 4 in our Real estate business a younger man had joined us and we were happy in the knowledge that the year ahead would be full of challenges and this was to prove correct. New years day 2006 we visited a friend I felt bad as I was having trouble passing solids and I saw blood in the bowl. That night was the first day of the rest of my life. Blood was flowing into the bowl from my anus. After consulting with our GP I was referred to specialist for a colonoscopy and there is where my story opened.

My family siblings are 4 girls and me a boy and the youngest. Pam and I have two beautiful girls 37 & 32 years old. The conversation has never been about bums and tits so to have a tumour up my passage was abhorrent to me. But there you go I got one. Rectal cancer is invasive it lives deep in your system it is very dangerous it can spread rapidly from the tumour to adjacent tissues with devastating effect. My treatment was shrink the tumour with radiation treatment. Then remove it with open surgery. Follow that up with 5 months of Chemotherapy. They say ignorance is bliss and so it is, I had no idea of the seriousness of my illness or the complications that I was to suffer.

Our oldest daughter decided to marry on the 18^th March 2006. The date was decided in December 2005. The treatment started in February the operation date was set for the 9^th March 2006. I personally did not want them to change the date for the wedding. It was surreal for us as a family with me sick in bed with more bags hanging off me “than a Brisbane bag man” and the family all-planning together for the wedding at Sunrise Beach. The feeling lingers that I let them all down with my silly cancer. I thought I should have been able to avoid it.

The operation was successful. I attended the wedding with the help of a close friend and the nurses of St Andrews I got a leave pass and It was enlightening when we left hospital all the nurses came out to cheer. Me I had a colostomy bag my bowels had just started to work. My stomach was bloated with wind I had been on a nil by mouth for the last 10 days. But Pam and I were to be together giving our daughter away there was lots of gaiety, champagne food and love by the bucket full. I went back to hospital after the ceremony.

In hospital I suffered pulmonary embolisms, a spell in ICU and a secondary staff infection, the last one I bought upon myself (a Hernia after working out in the gym too early and with the wrong exercises).

The bad news continued with Cyclone Larry wrecking our Mission Beach holiday units then the last of our sales staff quit. The bad news did not stop. We took a quick holiday to Laos in February 2007 I made a fundamental error with my trading business, leaving positions open. I did not take my broker codes with me. There was a violent correction in the markets. We got wiped out.

The after effects of the Chemotherapy were I could not concentrate, my energy levels were very low, my tolerance for others was woeful and I believed I had a legitimate cause and no one understood how I felt. I was tired irritable and had no patience. Anything that looked like a task was hard the simplest things took toll. I had tiredness and nothing I did excited me at all. I could not make decisions. I had depression and did not know it.

In hindsight.

• I did not give my body and soul time to heal after the trauma
• I did not take the time to readjust to my new life.
• The caring given to me by others I took for granted
• The pleasure of being alive I had forgotten to thank for it
• I had forgotten my loved ones hurt to see me in pain
• My loved ones wanted me to be happy and well. They wanted me back.
• I did not allow time to grieve for the things that were to be no more.

I thought I was invincible I was being irresponsible. I continued to work as if nothing had happened. That made me sick. Now I had depression and had to work out of it.

How does one do it without drugs?

My luck in the mid 80s I was diagnosed with depression Reason; I was running a catering business and there was no time for me or the family having insufficient time to rest. The GP referred me to a Psychiatrist who was sympathetic and understood my no drug policy.

His prescription read like this

• tryptophan tablets for sleeping,
• meditation twice daily for the soul
• lots of good exercise for the sugar
• stop stress related activities
• avoid people who do not give worth
• find a job congruent with my personae and do it well

The outcome of that. Learned to touch type, bush walk, took a ski holiday, spent time with my girls and became a Mr Mum finished off renovating a house. Took up glass etching, as the life I was leading was not congruent with my soul. I changed careers from caterer to real estate agent

That was then 1985 so now.

2008

I have a second cancer and to me that is a real boner. I was feeling good. This one hurts I realise the danger I am in.

Reason for depression right? Wrong!

The prescription given to me in the 80s worked.

We have sold our big house on the hill, sold all our land investments, closed our brokerage business, stopped derivative trading.

To lift depression I have concentrated on interest’s photography sharing photo books, calendars, movies and framing for pleasure. I am learning to draw and read again. We plan to journey. Take time for me to meditate. My guitar has come out of the wardrobe.

The last rule: Do not watch 6.00 news or current affairs programmes. Oh yeah and those kick out real time shows. Depression: It is not good to think negativity and death. Accept it yes but not be the victim

I’m Ok, putting this down for you helped me a lot. If you have got colorectal cancer and the cancer council gives you a video with a group of people talking about their experiences, yeah the guy talking at the end of the video is me.

I want you to

• ease yourself off the Prosac or whatever else you are taking
• take a walk every day somewhere interesting even if you have to travel
• go to the beach earth your body in the sea
• go to the RSPCA and get a dog, cat or bird, you will be giving a life hope
• get involved in community
• Stop talking to others about you and talk about them
• Learn to relax
• Keep it simple. Throw away the crutches you can walk real good.
• Get way from negative people that make you feel bad
  

You want to know how I am?

• I have aggressive prostate cancer
• My sex life is gone I am impotent
• My energy is not good
• I have a bad back
• I lost most of my business
• Our big house on the hill is gone.
• Our cat died

I decided that it was not going to stop me because.

“I live in Australia and I can do what I like”.

I have a loving healthy wife and vibrant family, friends welcome me to their homes, I can take photos, I can hear music, I can walk talk and think. My drawing is coming on and our business is virtual and growing again. Best of all we have been on a great train journey Singapore to London 2009. In March we leave on the ultimate road jurney. “Route 66”. We are about to become grandparents in May. We are moving to the Gold Coast to live in a Penthouse.

Yes it will be OK just you have complete faith in yourself and please get well we need you.

Your friend

Malcolm Williams

Image 1 Craig Lowndes and me

Image 2 Kellie, Richie wedding day

Image 3 Citt, Kellie, Me & Pam

Image 4 Richie, Pam, Kellie, Me & Pam.

Image 5 Citt and me on the Silk Road journey 2007

Image 6 My Frazer Island "tough fishing" buddies

Image 7 "I'm Alive and well and I feel great" in Paris.

Image 8 Just a bloody Ozzie trying to be a Kiwi. me.

London: The end of the "great train journey" Singapore to London by rail.

Hello this is belated as most of you know we have returned to Australia. However it is for me closure. I must complete this blog in order to complete the journey.
UK was to be the last stop to visit friends, visit our old work places, and the birth places or our kids and go back to our roots.

We left Australia in 1970. Worked a constant amount of pubs and ran foul of the Immigration police in 1973. We returned to the UK in 1974 on the strength of Pam's Gran being born in Newcastle. Our stay was till 1981 when we decided the time had come to return home to Australia for education and family.

So it was our stay in the UK was from 1970 till 198. It is impossible to live in that country and not make friends that will last forever and so it was.

This blog is not in order as we arrived in UK via the Euro star from Paris and stopped in Ashford Kent where our pub the 'Ben Truman' was> It has now been demolished. (see you can't leave anything to anyone else).
The Pub industry changed with EU membership. The central Brussels government believed that a monopoly existed. So the big brewers lost their Pubs. It was exacerbated by Aussie cowboys Alan Bond, Elliott and Spalvin. In time the big brewers Watney, Whitbread, Courage, and others were broken up and closed. The industry and the way of life for most Brits changed, the local pub became an endangered species. Some sold to become free houses, then small management companies were created and took on several licences. Most were sold off to become shops, restaurants and residential.

We left the UK and the pub business at a critical time when the managed house system was being abandoned. Smart guy hey David?
Before this all happened we got on with our lives, met a great bunch of mates and worked with the best "A team". David Sutton (Management) and Valerie Smith (marketing).

Friends change and multiply, families get bigger.

In Kent our friends hosted us. Tony and his beautiful wife Philippa and of course Charlotte, Jonty, Daniel, Lea, Jack, and Alex.
Then there is Janet and Andy (Blogs) and grandson Kelvin. Our old mate Hucky who left hospital to have a beer with us. This guy used to say "my idea of a good night is to watch my arse go up and down in the mirror on the end of the bed". Our friend Hucky is older and wiser but still believes in a good time.
Reminds me of Rosco.

Time is a killer.

You know it is interesting with friends! You can be away for years and within 5 minutes it is as if you were never apart. It is 38 years since we lived here and look at the photos! Are we all enjoying company?

Love our friends. Pam and I will travel miles to make contact; yeah Singapore to London is far enough.

This journey was always about people not things.

We visited our old haunts and places of employ.
The Western Counties (Paddington)
The Kings Head (Bayswater)
The Three Horseshoes (Kellie-Ann birthplace) (Hampstead London SW)
The old brewery (Truman Hanbury Buxton, Brick Lane E1)
The Ben Truman (Ashford Kent, demolished) Citt's Birthplace.
The New Inn (New Romney Kent) favorite watering hole.

For us it was about closure,

The Journey. This journey will officially end when we hear the tones of Big Ben. Why would you put yourself through the pain of traveling on a train? For Pam and I, seeing a country is about the people. It is important to get in amongst the people. This cannot be done by flying from one capital city to another with 3 day stopovers.

On a train it is a simple life. The train starts and you are on it. In our case we were always in a sleeper carriage for overnight travel. Pullman class for day travel. The sleeper carriage carries 4 or 6 depending on hard sleeper or soft sleeper. (There is no cattle class as people are not cattle)! Linen is supplied so are pillows and blankets.

The locals are the same as us. Families are important. In most cases in these parts. There is little left after wars, natural disasters and political upheaval other than families to cling to and support.

For us it was always a bonus to have children in the carriage. Some may not like this but for us it was the key to making friends with our fellow travelers.Twisty balloons, sketch pads and some nail color changed whole cabins and in some cases the mood of the carriage. I only wish I had taken time to learn some magic tricks it would have been really cool.

The fact is the train goes and it is on a time schedul. You are either on it or you are not!
The train goes along a designated line without danger of trucks, police, and other things that bug travellers.
The dining car sometimes delivers a meal with local flair.
The scenery unfolds outside the air conditioned cabin window or heated depending on the country and the temperature of the country outside. It is not insular like a plane or a bus.
The journey gives you time to make friends with fellow travelers, irrespective of language, nationality sex or age. It also gives you time to sketch, read or reminisce about life.

Photographic opportunities abound and at stops along the way traditions, dress and architecture change. If one is quick some great shots can be got.

Our journey was from the Equator, Singapore, to the Arctic area of Siberia and Saint Petersburg.
We traveled through 12 countries with untold languages, dialects and currencies. Religious beliefs changed daily. Hindus, Moslems, Christians, Buddhists and other religions. We took care not to contravene local beliefs, using hair nets, leaving cameras outside, not eating pork, taking off shoes when required, wearing hats and covering skin to respect local customs.

Our "Great Train Journey". Thanks to Kellie, Rich and Citt for encouraging us. Thanks to our friends in the U

K for making our stay 'WOW' factor again. Thanks to our friends we met along the way. Thanks to the people who made our journey so memorable who will remain nameless. But most of all thanks to you for reading and travelling with us on this long rail journey, 22,413 kilometers.
There and back 40,000 kilometers in round figures.
You visited 13 countries. Walked countless miles to visit monuments, temples and churches. Ate local food from stalls and local cafes. Visited local markets where people worked and sold their goods. Stayed in Hotels, Guest houses, Gurs and even a rail station.
Travelled on trains wherever we could. Boat (Mekong), buses, mini buses, trolley buses, tuk tuks, bikes, horses and even a local plane. You are exhausted thinking about it. It is all too hard? Our friends, our advice is find a journey for you and just do it.

Our theme: Wilie Nelsons song "on the road again"

And I can't wait to get on the road again.
On the road again

Goin' places that I've never been.
Seein' things that I may never see again

I can't wait to get on the road again.

Thanks Willie Nelson you made our day.

Image 1 The usual suspects Hucky,Pam, Jan,
Back Me, Sandra, Tony, Andy (Blogs)
Image 2 Pam and the London Eye
Image 3 Street Art Brick Lane E1
Image 4 Arriving London Cannon Street station
Image 5 Management part of the "A" team David and Ronnie Sutton having tea at Bournmouth.
Image 6 Our London mates. Wally Willie Pam and I
Image 7 Valerie Smith and Pam the other part of the "A" team
Image 8 The Weavers, Alex, Charlotte, Tony, Jonty, Phillipa, Jack. (Daniel & Lea missing)
Image 9 Looking for Paddington Bear
Image 10 Heading home. Stanstead shuttle
Image 11 Air Asis X KL Malaysia
Video 12 Big Ben strikes


More to come...........(: Route 66.

COP 15 Danmark Citt a rally and lots of police

COP 15 United Nations Climate Change Conference Dec 7th To December 18th Copenhagen, Denmark

Our flight from the UK Stansted airport was a bucket flight on "Easy Jet". It took 30 minutes to get through chaotic security. I do believe the poms put the Q in Que. The flight was packed with Danish kids returning from a sports tournament. The ground staff are adamant about one hand bag per person. Result is chaos.
We watch it all and think well this is what happens when you are not on a train.

Copenhagen is cold but clear. We arrive in the late afternoon. Our hotel is 60 kilometres out of Copenhagen at a pleasant 15th century town called Helsingor. The town is a direct port for Helsingborg Sweden. There are trains to Copenhagen every 20 minutes 24/7. All accommodation in Copenhagen was booked out when we planned in June 2009.

Our mission in Copenhagen (labeled "Hopenhagen" by the conference goers) is to meet and spend some time with Citt. And at the same time revisit this city where Mary and Fred live.

Citt's mission in "Hopenhagen" is to administer a film festival for the UNU called "Indigenous Voice on Climate Change". A series of short documentaries portraying the plight of indigenous people throughout the world focusing on the effects changing climate has on their country, homes and lives. It was held in the Danish National Museum. Citt is nervous and excited.

The first thing that you will notice about Copenhagen is the price of living. Once the initial shock of paying $A6 for 300ml of beer or $A10 for a coffee (the food cost is worse) then all else is bliss.

The city is clean and neat, Germanic in a precise way. All of the buildings are masonry and stone with cobbled streets for the ice and snow. The shops do not have outside areas at the time of our visit but I do reckon that the summer would be a different story then the light would be awesome. At the time it was light at 8.00am and dark at 3.30pm. The weather was cold and crisp. We only had two days to enjoy.
The Danes smoke cigarettes like chimneys though not in buildings or public places. So there is a a lot of cigarette butts on the streets.

The climate change conference (COP 15) as the press reported was pretty big. But what the general press does not report is that there are three separate groups meet at these things.
"The UN sponsored circus" with jets, hummers and entourage. World leaders, the cynical say, have vested interests.

"The Klima forum group" the scientists, sociologists and engineers with real concerns for the planet and its people. The cynical say are off with the fairies.

"The indigenous people" of the planet being people who live off the land and have done so since the beginnings of habitation. The cynical say, so what! As the island nations disappear and ice in the glaciers and polar regions melt.

The UN sponsored circus is focusing on the interests of the industrial nations who, says Klima and indigenous people, created this mess anyway and they want to make money out of it on the way out and blame someone else. True? The indigenous people say it is all too late. The forests are near gone and the fish and wild life are near to extinction! What will happen to us? (We will immigrate with people smugglers?)
Think about the people of Bangladesh. Millions living 1 meter above sea level. Where will they go and who will feed them? You? So who is right and who is wrong?
My stance is if the brand "Climate Change" can focus peoples attention on creating a cleaner greener planet for our kids and grand kids then all the hype arguments and innuendo is worth it. It is up to each of us that call this planet home to do our bit and change our behaviour. And it is time our leaders stopped pushing their own barrows.

The indigenous people are suspicious rightly so, as nobody has been kind to them throughout history. Europeans have devastated the planet with colonization drawing borders across tribal lands deliberately to create conflict, ransacking every country they visited and have never given back.

Carbon trading is seen as another form of colonization by the industrial nations. Another control mechanism to try to buy out of trouble. Who will administer this huge tax? The big 4?

The world is talking about pollution and climate change. It is front page news. Let us hope it transfers into action. It is up to us, you and me to save forests and the great oceans and seas for our kids and their kids?

We marched in the rally on Saturday 12th December 2009 to make a stand. It is far too easy to say "this is not my problem". simple "clean up the earth and stop the pollution".

The atmosphere in Hopenhagen was charged and everywhere and anytime it was full of police. Screaming sirens black uniforms and guns. I am told 11,000 police were in the city.
The march.
Place Hopenhagen Date 12th December 2009
Distance 6 kilometres to the Bella forum centre outside town where UN were meeting.
Protest march number estimated 100,002. Pam and I were the 2.
Start point - Clock Square behind the Royal Palace (Fred and Mary's house)
The march started late. 5 minutes into the march, the anarchists started breaking windows and causing trouble for the police. Further along the road tear gas was being used.
Pam and I were close to the anarchists at the start, so we held back only to be engulfed in another bunch. After 3 kilometers we pulled out of the march. It was becoming cold and dark and looking dangerous with police mustering in large bunches around us.

The march never really reached its goal. It was sabotaged. It started late and finished in the dark and at the wrong destination.

The message was never delivered to the delegates
Result - a lot of fun for a lot of people but not a lot of result.
The police had a great time.

We left Copenhagen after a birthday celebration in Tivoli gardens riding some pretty awesome sky-rides and roller-coaster.

Citt packed up her bags after the film festival. We had a farewell dinner then rode the train back to Helsingor. Back to UK next day and the long journey of 72 hours home.
Image 1 Royal Palace Copenhagen (Fred & Mary's House)
Image 2 Square Copenhagen
Image 3 Rally
Image 4 Rally
Image 5 Rally Anarchist
Image 6 Greenpeace
Image 7 Me with rally banner
Image 8 rally passionate
Image 9 Polar Bear ice melt
Image 10 My pick "best of Rally outfit"
Image 11 Streetscene Helsingor
Image 12 Pam enjoying a coffee in minus temperature on the street